The Most Influential Person in the World of All Time. Ever.

After reading the Metro’s gripping read, announcing that Leona Lewis, perhaps the only person who can compete with wet compost on the personality scale, is the most influential woman to live or work in London over the past 100 years, I thought I’d compile my own personal poll of who I think is the most influential person in the world. Of all time.

Wet Compost

Now to compete with the Metro poll on a scientific level, I at least have to pick someone who is known in the public eye, so I can’t pick the lady who served me in Morrison’s earlier, despite the fact that she catered to my needs for at least three minutes and informed me that there was a buy one get one free on the well-known cola product I was buying. Influential.  Indeed Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend are both hugely influential figures globally, plus they’re commentating on the football match that’s on in the background as I write this, which surely makes them leading conten…Wait a minute, it’s a commercial break. Now the Jimmy Carr sound-a-like who narrates the bank ad is the most influential person in the world ever. Christ this is difficult.

Perhaps in future, rather than canvassing the opinions of mindless numbskulls, the Metro might consider educating people on the achievements of the other women featured on their poll, so next time such a study is carried out it isn’t topped by the person they saw last when they turned off the telly.

Pointless products

First of all apologies to anyone that’s seen this advert and thought the exact same thing as me, as I only saw it for the first time recently.

Dettol no-touch handwash system.

The advert claims that this ‘product’ stops the spread of germs because you don’t have to touch your regulation pump to dispense soap. Never mind the fact that you’re ABOUT TO WASH YOUR HANDS ANYWAY!

But anyways, scaremongering hygiene persists aside, it led me to think of some other completely useless products. Here they are in no particular order…

1. Electronic pepper mill…with light.

“The Cole & Mason Manhattan Electronic Mill features a built in light which illuminates the grinding area making it even easier to add seasoning to your food. The mill is battery operated which enables you to simply press the button on the side to grind.”

This product is not only aimed at the type of person who is too lazy to grind their own pepper, but also the type of person who tends to eat their dinner in the dark, therefore requiring the ability to illuminate the area they wish to pepper. Let’s just hope they have a fork equipped with a similarly useful light to help them when they aren’t seasoning their microwave dinner for one.

2. Slipper Dusters

So you’re walking around your house/flat/bedsit/cardboard box when you notice that a thick layer of dust has built up on your floor…in fact it’s got so bad it’s up to your knees, dust everywhere! No? Just me then.

Obviously the answer is slipper dusters. Because socks just don’t cut the dusting chores. So now you’ve cleaned up your dusty hovel (we’ll assume carpets don’t exist) and you want to relax with your feet up and oh no! You’ve just put dust all over your sofa. Never mind, you’ll just have to buy some duster trousers to clean up that mess. Or just buy a vacuum cleaner like any normal person.

I’m still waiting for slipper mops, slipper chamois leathers and slipper paintbrushes.

Even for the damned cat.

There seems to be a theme of laziness running through these products. In fact laziness is so prevalent it doesn’t run, just enjoys a gentle stroll in a mobility scooter.

3. Motorised Ice Cream Cone

The only people who could possibly benefit from a motorised ice cream cone would realistically be those without the core use of their wrists, however the true market seems to be those too lazy to rotate their own Mr. Whippy. These lazy children are probably too lethargic to even swallow, allowing the melting ice cream to drip slowly down their neck whilst simultaneously cursing their luck that their isn’t a product to make swallowing less strenuous.

See also the motorised fork. (For noodles of course, although it doesn’t come with a torch).

So that’s four completely pointless products to make your life easier. I would have listed more but there’s not a product to do it for me and frankly I’m far too lazy.

Joe